本集介紹

EP. 9  See Myself 

I am so obsessive with being in control, I am a control freak. 

I like to manipulate my words and deeds. I commanded myself to speak with only one voice and only one attitude towards people. Once my negative emotions were shown owing to accidentally losing control, I warned myself: „How could I show up the emotions that I shouldn't even think about? How should I deal with them now?“

Thinking in this self-blaming way made me feel better. This was how I trained myself, and I thought I was brilliant. But there was a side-effect. If I ran into a whisper of strangers, I subconsciously reflected those contents on myself „Yes, they are talking about someone like me.“, and then I considered silently in minds „Yes, every time when I am gossiping others, those details are not really about them, I am asking myself „Am I just comparing myself with them?““ 

So when I gossip, I am actually showing people Who I Think I Should Be.

I crave for living influentially within humans. I blamed myself and felt sacrificed so that I got fitted in living. I have been looking for „the meaning of my life„. I thought that doing emotional sacrificing could I be settled down meaningfully. And because I knew that “this was not the thing that humans would do”. This process is abnormal, super painful, and unnecessary, so I was doing the most challenging mind-training in the world. I didn’t notice that the "I" that is constantly shown in the sayings above strongly implies that I Think I Am Different.

I always felt out of place and couldn’t live easily in my social network. 

I felt isolated. I couldn’t be myself. I didn’t know who I was. So I did the Enneagrampersonality test. The test results are very long. I only pasted the parts that I think are me: I am generous. I am not afraid of challenges. I feel blessed to share. I explore novelty. I create new ways of thinking. 

After reading the line above, I still couldn’t get a clear image of myself, it's too general. Why? Those words are a saying of decision, a way of expression that can be controlled and practiced by humans. The key is whether I "decide" to express it like this or not. 

But I just want to see „who I am". So I discovered myself from my relationships: The way how I act in the face of humans. 

In the relationship, I constantly switch between the leading and following roles. Leading and following means the feeling when interacting with people. It may be who is calling whom, who is taking care of whom, who is helping whom, but the most important thing is that I predicted others’ reactions beforehand unconsciously. I switched my role even before we met. I thought that this time, this conversing with each other, I have to play the main role on stage, or I should be seated clapping in the auditorium. 

For these two roles: 80% of the time I take on the leading role, I try to take over all stuff coming through, and 20% of the time I choose to be the following role, I stay quietly as an audience.

From these two roles, I inferred my personality. I am the older sister, or young girl, a tomboy or naughty child. Are they the kinds of personality? They are just different naming of human looks. 

They are my genders. I see myself in these personalities and name them distinctively. I control all the roles, I decide at what moment, which appearance will I show, what will I say to whom. 

All plots are improvised right away. 

In my last life drama so far, I controlled my expressions, criticized my reactions, despised my words from saying, writing, to copying-and-pasting. I am too familiar with every storyline. I'm tired of acting, I'm not just an actor anymore. Now, for the next chapter, I choose where to act, I write what to act, I know who to act. I decide how to act. 

Because, I am the producer. 
Above my genders is my mind. 

As I flow between different genders, at each moment, I take a distinctive decision, with the most suitable words and deeds that I can show to feel comfortable. These genders, roles, or say, personal traits, hang together like a pearl-necklace.

And I am the mind-keeper, I see my genders come and go.

When I look back, I discovered that this is the path of my maturity. When I looked down, I found out that this is what the whole society looks like. When I looked what’ve been, I realized that I am changing, and I am always moving on.

When it comes to Gender, it always causes chaos, disputes or implies politics, because this word is too simple, because everyone has gender, so it is very easy to manipulate for earning irrelevant benefits.  As a result, the use of the term „Gender“ is out of control. So, what is the simplest meaning of Gender?

What do I think about myself? I use „gender, personal traits, love romance, relationship, family, job title, annual salary, appearance, and educational background“ to evaluate my meaning in life. 

I realize that all items in the "" are the materials I used to write for my personal drama. Why are they materials for me? Because they are all frames. The frames for me to settle my story. I preferred using the gender frame. Once the storyline is completed, I edited, deleted, and rewrote the plot. Why? Because I feel fixed in the characters. I want to be myself. But I’ve never noticed that nothing is fixed. Really? Why? Because…

Gender, is just a way I see myself.

And from now on, I am seeing through myself.

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